Here I am in 2011

I miss my Blog...decided to get back to it. With my plans for this coming summer, I expect to "blog a lot". I am flying to Dublin on June 26th to stay until August 1st and then on to London and home On August 15th. This is a big "Bucket List" trip. Since my heart event last summer, I've decided not to postpone anything.

I'm doing well. I changed cardiologists and am now with the Mayo Clinic in Scotsdale. Check up in January showed actual improvement with my heart condition. Result of exercise and new eating habits. Very motivating. I've also lost 30 pounds since my stents were put in. It is a slow process but hopefully will have a lasting result.

I've finished my Cardio Rehab and am continuing to work out on my own. Goal is to do cardio and weight training 3 days a week. So far I've been inconsistent but it is getting better. I want to be in shape to do lots of walking this summer.

I've enjoyed rediscovering Leonard Cohen. His "Live in London" DVR is amazing. I love his poetry and sense of humor. A couple of favorite excerps...."My friends are gone, my hair is gray. I ache in the places where I used to play....." "There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in..."

My poetry is far from Leonard's gift but writing it has brought me peace, joy and from time to time, understanding over the years. Maybe I'll share some when I feel brave.

Got my First Cardio "Report Card" Today!

Oh Happy Day....my first progress report from Cardio Rehab. In my first 4 weeks I have lost a little over 10 pounds and improved my physical capacity by 20%...the news was deliverd with a "good Job" and a happy face! The antidepression meds have kicked in and with working out 3 days a week life is looking much brighter. For the rest of this year I am totally focusing on my physical and mental health. To that end I am starting a group therapy program next week. We will meet for 10 weeks and deal with all the "stuff" that comes up when you face your own mortality. So 5 days a week it is all about Me!LOL About time I'd say....

AZ is still hot as hell....although we are getting some double digit temperature teasers just to remind us that soon we will be in the good times. I am soooo ready to be able to get outside and do some yard work. I've done about all I can manage in the house and am ready to plant some greenery. Doesn't look like I will be doing any major traveling until I complete my cardio programs in December. I do plan to spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family in San Diego. Looking forward to that. So onward we go....

It's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride!

It's been about a month since I had my heart surgery and am enjoying the welcome flow of oxygen and blood in my body. I have acquired a boatload of "keeping me alive" medications which now require weekly organization. I "do my pills" once a week...never thought it would come to this.

I have been given lots and lots of wonderful information about the physical aspects of heart disease and my pulmonary hypertension but not nearly enough about the emotion component of heart attacks and heart disease. It has been an emotional roller coaster with feelings running in a range from total gratitude to total terror. Fortunately, I found a website called WomensHeart that has been a God send. I have now started my cardio-rehab exercise program and will be working out 3 days a week for the next 12 weeks...all that and some lovely drugs have improved my outlook dramatically.

Had a little setback last week. Up early, washing my face and all of a sudden my nose started bleeding....blood was running out of my nostrils like water....I tried everything I could to get it to stop but 45 minutes later....it was still gushing and I was starting to get a bit dizzy. I thought, Oh God, if I pass out and keep bleeding I'll end up exiting this life over a nosebleed! This did not fit my plans at all. So, I dialed 911 and told them my story and said "no sirens please". Within 10 minutes (very comforting) the whole fire brigade and EMT's arrived. It's been a while (quite a while) since I've been surrounded by that level of testosterone...I liked it....a lot. LOL

The EMT's spent another 15 minutes trying to stop the bleeding without success, so off we headed to the ER. I spent 3 more hours in the ER bleeding away....by now I had seen more of my own blood than I ever want to again. Finally, they were able to slow down one side of my nose and cauterize the offending spots but had to do a balloon pack on the other side. What a painful, miserable, solution that is. They kept me at the ER for another 2 hours to get some fluid in me and sent me home with my nose packed down to my throat. My instruction were to leave the pack in for a minimum of 48 hours and then go to an ENT specialist to have it removed to avoid restarting the bleeding. Unfortunately, the weekend intervened and I wasn't able to get an appointment until Monday to have the "Nose Monster" removed. I could barely swallow, hardly talk and only breath through my mouth. I just hunkered down for 4 days and went to my appointment 2 hours early on Monday. All went well and I nosebleed free and soooo happy to be.

Dr. said the blood thinners I am on for the heart stents is the reason....very difficult to get my blood to clot now. Great for the heart.....not so much for the nose. So now I must keep my nose moist (a neat trick in dry heat of 110) and not blow too hard or preferably at all and keep my fingers crossed it doesn't happen again. Can't wait to see what life will bring to me next....stay tuned!

My Heart Song

You have been with me since I came to Earth. I have taken you totally for granted....no real thought about your needs. Living in innocence in the beginning, moving into awareness as the years past...still no consideration of you...yet you stayed, you did your work, you asked for nothing...you supported me in all things, good and bad...unconditionally...the kind of love I wanted so badly...right there, beating loud enough for me to hear...if I had listened.

Years rolled by and in time you gave out...quietly, silently, not to bother me....not to worry me....just failing from neglect and giving up part of yourself, but still willing to stay with me. Finally I heard you....finally I recognized your needs...finally I understood that love is not a one way street.

In gratitude I return that love, I now understand your needs....I now see what my neglect has done to you and I am deeply sorry. I thank you for giving me another chance. I thank you for working so hard to give me life...to give me an opportunity to live my remaining years in a different way...with a new awareness....a new respect....the respect that will lead me to make new choices, choices from the heart. My heart, my love.

more sedona

Sedona, AZ.

The view from my hotel balcony.....so beautiful.

P.S.

I'm grateful that I stayed in "the valley of the sun" this summer for obvious reasons but unless I absolutely have to, never again. The heat is impossible for me. At triple-digit degrees I can't be outside. I gaze longingly at my backyard and AZ room and cabin fever drives me nuts....don't know how people do it. Especially the folks working outside...road crews, landscapers, construction, etc. Yes, everything is A/C'd but you have to be indoors except for those brief moments racing from one place to another. Some hope in the early AM's when it is only in the 90's.

I have never lived in impossible winters....I expect you have to deal with the same issues of not being able to be outside....extremes on both ends of the temp scale are not for me.

So plans for summer getaways will continue.....perhaps modified a bit with my new situation but as long as I can, I'll be out of here! My admiration soars for those who choose (or have no choice) to live here fulltime through the summers.

P.S.S. October through May however are fabulous!!!